"HOW is it that you can dress however you want, be so vocal about things you believe in, and not really care about what other people think of you?" These may be some of the most frequently asked questions in the world, yet very few people seem to have the answer.
Luckily, when regular city girl-turned-Miss World Malaysia 2021 finalist Jessica Gomez, who was also crowned Miss Personality, was thrown those exact questions by her peers, a seemingly bittersweet revelation came to her. "That was the point when I realised that I was finally confident in myself," recalls Gomez, her voice earnest but gentle.
The pageant newcomer had just completed "bunny-proofing" her bedroom after moving out of her dorm with her pet Bunny (that's his name). And now, seated "opposite" me for our video call, she's the epitome of calm, ready to reflect on the past few months that have drastically changed her life.
Certainly, the bubbly 20-year-old has come a long way.
A quick rewind. Having experienced issues with her mental health in the past, Gomez never expected to be welcomed into the world of pageantry, much less be crowned Miss Personality in her first competition.
But having those questions posed to her made her realise that her confidence reeled a whole journey on its own, especially after struggling with mental health as a teenager. "I know for sure that it was terrible. It was a really, really bad time in my life," confesses Gomez, recalling her bleak high school days.
Her voice low, she reveals that she'd struggled with an eating disorder and episodes of depression about three years ago. Back in 2018, Gomez remembers furtively counting calories every time she ate. Her mind became a disruptive human calculator.
Sheepishly, she tells me: "I even knew how many calories were in every food that I ate. In order to soothe my insecurities, I'd starve myself. I fed off apples and negative thoughts, and dragged myself to intensive gym sessions in between classes. I ended up falling into a dark hole — one of never feeling good enough."
If those worries weren't huge enough for a teenage girl to shoulder, Gomez was also taught to hide her natural curves. "It made me feel really insecure; the fact that if I have a little bit of 'meat' somewhere, I'm not supposed to show it," says Gomez, a glint of sadness in her eyes. She remembers deflecting every compliment she received back then, not once believing that she may have been worthy of flattering remarks.
Suffice it to say, the trip down that particular memory lane is one that has left an indelible mark on the young beauty queen. Her voice would dip every time she recollects the more trying episodes in her life.
However, despite everything, I can't help but notice how composed she is; her smile always soft and unwavering even while recounting her past struggles. Her demeanour tells me that she has obviously made it through the dark days.
JOURNEY TO MISS WORLD MALAYSIA 2021
When Gomez graduated high school, she felt a lot less shackled from her worries. But, having had a taste of life on the "dark side", she was aware of the fact that the issue was still very much alive among other women, especially those who look up to pageant queens from young.
"I think I've always admired women in newspapers and television," admits Gomez, before enthusing about Pia Wurtzbach from the Philippines, who grew up poor, but eventually went on to win the Miss Universe title in 2015. Wurtzbach's appeal, she believes, went beyond mere beauty.
For Gomez, what mattered most was the life stories. So, when applications for Miss World Malaysia opened last year, she felt the time was right for her to give it a shot. Gomez wanted to tell her story, especially after having gained so much clarity from years of feeling unworthy.
Her youthful appearance — the glistening bright eyes, pearly smile and bubbly character — belies a steely determination and an independent spirit. Her journey into the pageant arena was literally a one-man show — from signing up without her parents' knowledge, starting her campaign from scratch with no professional team to fall back on, and subsequently, gaining tremendous support from the public. And all these took place in the space of a month from the confines of her lovely suburban home.
"I'm quite glad that my first competition was virtual," admits Gomez, adding that it was good exposure for her parents as well because they were home the whole time. Like most concerned Asian parents, they were initially wary about her wanting to enter the entertainment field.
But, being privy to the whole process, from seeing their eldest daughter go through her virtual modelling classes to the online live sessions, assuaged their worries somewhat. And it was from then on that her parents became her biggest supporters.
MENTAL HEALTH CAMPAIGN
One feature of the Miss World competition that always touched Gomez's heart is its Beauty with a Purpose category — a charity run to help contestants raise funds for their chosen beneficiaries. She wanted to use the platform to promote the cause closest to her own heart — mental health advocacy.
"I used to dismiss my anxieties, but social media has really helped me to turn things around," confides Gomez. Two years ago, she noted the surge across Instagram on topics ranging from socio-political issues to inspiring self-help guides.
Duly inspired, Gomez, who's studying Business, wanted to do her part to give others the same feeling of relief and comfort. Her eyes shining, she recalls that it all started from a group project at university, referring to one of the central campaigns during her Miss World journey, called the Lifeline Project.
Throughout the competition, she not only curated a mental health awareness platform with the help of a small team, but she also formulated a promising plan to build care centres in rural areas that would benefit the B40 communities.
Regardless of the competition result (she didn't win), Gomez believes that true victory comes from knowing that she has made the world a slightly better place to live in. She's immensely grateful to have received so many encouraging messages from her Instagram followers — some thanking her for being their voice, and others confiding in her about their problems.
DEBUNKING THE MYTH
For decades, the pageant world has had its fair share of shaping the "ideal" beauty standards for women. While that might ring true, Gomez has her thoughts on it — and one that's more uplifting.
Softly, she muses: "There seems to be a very unhealthy view on pageants. Traditionally, if we were to go back maybe 50 to 60 years, I can definitely tell you that pageants were very surface level."
But, that's in the past. Much has changed since then, she believes. "Women are finally being given a platform. And having them spearhead large-scale charity projects is actually more empowering than one can imagine," she adds.
Continuing, Gomez adds passionately: "People want to know your political and morality stance now, and that's the best part. If you want to talk about being superficial, I think that's as real as they can get."
Reflecting back on her past struggles with beauty, Gomez is relieved to know how inclusive and healthy the competition has become today. "There were girls of all shapes, sizes and skin tones. People put a distance between pageant queens and themselves, but we look just like everyone else!" she exclaims passionately.
SELF-FULFILLING QUEST
Her expression turns thoughtful when she tells me that her participation in the pageant has given her that sense of inner confidence. How do you think your 17-year-old self would react to you now? I couldn't help asking her.
She pauses to reflect, her beautiful eyes staring vacantly into the distance. Then, slowly, Gomez replies: "I don't think she would've believed me. No way!" It may have all happened mere years ago, but to the poised young lady in front of me, it sure feels like forever.
Especially since she feels like a whole new person these days.
Witnessing Gomez at this point, that sense of contentment so palpable, warms my heart. It has been a long journey for the youngster to arrive at where she is today. A soul who is able to embrace not only her beauty, but everything that's within too.
This is, in fact, a kind of growth that Gomez wishes upon every living individual to experience and she's determined to keep bringing her light wherever she goes — whether it's through a pageant platform like the Lifeline Project or through the mere act of being there for someone.
Perhaps, that's what true beauty is really all about.