ONE of the things that comes with the territory of being a caregiver is guilt, which is you could've done more or that you should've done this or that. This "should've, could've, would've" litany can drive anyone bonkers. Not just when you're a caregiver, but generally with anything that you do.
The mindset of having to give your best all the time can break even the strongest of us. What's worse is when you end up feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, defeated, and possibly even resentful towards the loved ones in your care.
If you ever catch yourself feeling guilty for even having such thoughts, take a step back and tell yourself it's okay. It's normal. Let those feelings flow. Acknowledge it because you have to get used to it. You'd also need to learn how to deal with it because there's more to come.
Much of this guilt is self-imposed, but it can sometimes be brought about by ailing elderly loved ones, who use your compassion to their advantage.
Elderly folks are notorious for being manipulative by sending their adult children on guilt trips to get what they want and how they want it.
It's as though in their eyes you're not quite grown up; meanwhile, the child in us still wants to please our parents even though we may already be grandparents in our own right.
Therein lies the maze and traps that we have to learn to navigate wisely. You're caught between doing what's necessary and what's demanded. Sometimes you just give in because you're too tired to resist.
DOING YOUR BEST
There are also instances when much of this guilt is brought about by those around you — family, relatives and friends. They're the ones who add on to the list of what you could've have done, how and why, further increasing your burden.
Because some of their unsolicited suggestions may have merit, you'd have to learn to listen politely and take notes. However, if it goes too far and leads into the blame game, you have to stop them, make your stand known, and set boundaries.
Tell them it's hard enough to see your loved ones deteriorate because of health issues and illness. You're doing your best to anticipate and meet their needs, but there's only so much you can do. You can't really take away the pain, discomfort and indignities that come with ageing.
As you see them becoming more physically and/or mentally challenged, you struggle with the sense of helplessness as you try your level best to help them. It's only natural that you'd want them to feel better, and at some point, you'd wish and pray that you could take their struggles away.
These have become among the main things that you need to deal with — what you'd like to do and achieve for your loved ones, as well as trying to do what others tell you.
At the end of it all, you just want to please everyone, but it's quite rare that you can make everyone happy. While you're doing this delicate balancing act, remember that you're a big part of this equation too. Your well-being is important, both physically and mentally.
MANAGING EXPECTATIONS
Don't feel guilty if you feel the need to give yourself some time out. Find ways to do that. Even if you can't take a full day off, let alone a few days away, find ways to snatch some "me time" in between.
But do you know who's your harshest critic? The one that relegates you to the bottom of the list? You! Don't do this to yourself.
Of course, what's dumped on you doesn't help. It merely fuels the fire to make you feel that you're not doing it well enough. It's easy for other people to say because they're not the ones dealing with it hands on from day to day.
So, stop being so hard on yourself. The role you've taken on as a caregiver is really difficult. Only those who've experienced it first-hand would fully understand.
These are feelings that I know only too well from the years of taking care of my first-born son in the early days of his illness, and later, my parents when their health deteriorated towards the end of their lives.
Those days of going in and out of hospitals due to emergencies and life-threatening moments turned the world as I knew it upside down. You learn to make snap decisions and to be answerable to so many.
What I found to be my greatest strength in dealing with such situations was the trust given to me by the loved ones in my care, and those around me.
By keeping the channels of communication open, and by honestly discussing the "what if's", you can somewhat manage the "should've, could've, would've".
(The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.)
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Community Society of Ampang. She can be reached at juneitajohari@yahoo.com.