IF you restore a Jaguar E-type or a Ferrari 250GTO or even a Nissan 240Z, you are not doing us a big favour because it’s no sacrifice; at the end of the journey, you have a really nice piece of art that will keep appreciating.
Restoring beautiful cars is not a selfless act, it’s as simple as that.
Now imagine coming across an unloved first-generation Daihatsu Charmant somewhere in Kuala Krai or Parit Buntar, sitting all forlorn under a mango tree, dripping with dried black sap, just waiting for tinworm to slowly eat her up.
The Charmant is so used to being ignored that she doesn’t even get cursory glance from the local illegal substance enthusiast; they walk past and not even give her a glance because there isn’t a single piece of chrome or part that is worth anything other than scrap.
Even as scrap, there is some value but the Charmant is so nondescript that even the local needle connoisseur gets the heebie jeebies when they come close to the silently rusting metal hunk.
Maybe the faint smell of rust is too reminiscent of the scent of blood or something and they leave her be.
For us to even notice the tan coloured Charmant under a mango tree in Kuala Krai would be a minor miracle. In fact, on the scale of minor miracles, it is actually two rungs higher than spotting a needle in a haystack from 50 paces.
She’s been there for the last 30 years and not one person has had any thought about her, good or bad.
So, if you were chosen by God to notice her, please take it as nothing less than a direct command from the Almighty to save her and restore her for humanity.
The importance of rescuing a clapped Charmant is easily lost on the uninitiated - to really appreciate the significance of this car, one has to dive deep into Zen and understand that there is no such thing as imperfection, it is merely our inability to appreciate the finer distinctions between one form of perfection and another.
The Charmant is a car that did not want to be born but she had to accept that a role had been written for her and she had to play it without complaint.
Before the Charmant was born, her slightly less boring twin, the Corolla, was already a star on Toyota’s billboard. Its record-breaking production of “Boring but Reliable” had taken the world stage by surprise.
It seemed that every lower middle-income families from around the world were saving up for one, after they finished paying for the washing machine. Some were foregoing the washing machine and buying the Corolla after getting only a refrigerator.
Of course, we all know that dullness is not the big secret of the Corolla’s success but the Charmant is like Cinderella’s evil twin sister, she only sees the outwardly and does not realise that after-sales is really where people fell in love with the Corolla.
Toyota’s after sales network and work ethics is second to none even in the days of flares and big collar.
It was also decided that what the Charmant needed were four headlamps instead of two to create the impression of double surprise.
They also used as much chrome on the grille so she could smile really well. Like most things used in industrial production in Japan, chromium is imported and so, for the purpose of our story, we are going to assume that there is some sort of quota for every car.
The Charmant was given a revised rear end where the registration number is cosmetically removed from between the tail lamps and grafted lower, beneath the bumper.
The flank was made more forgettable by adding a low-res crease mid-way down and the double creased wheel arch was lost in favour of a more prosaic simple flare.
As a flourish it was given a chrome garnish at the base of the C-pillar that probably was designed to look like a gentle chrysanthemum or jet-fuel filler cap.
Honestly, I cannot really tell which, that’s how schizophrenic the car looks to me.
My first encounter with the car was in 1983 while being part of a ragtag rebel outfit trying to break out of “boreding” school, it was physical education period and we were planning our next space long jump in my mind when something caught my eye, it was a loose wire and it almost tore me a third eyelid.
Surprised and in pain, I rubbed my eye and checked my palm for blood. Seeing none, I looked up and saw a tan car of unknown origin. It was scary. It was the first time my database had failed me and I thought maybe it had been corrupted.
I had to double check, I had to find out what car this was.
My training kicked in, I zigzagged across the gym, towards the back door, skillfully avoiding the moustachioed teacher and took cover behind the pommel horse.
She was now so close to me that it really made me sleepy, and I knew that this car had special evil powers as it sapped the energy off anyone who came close.
After seeing the badge, I knew what it was and it was a creature I had never seen before; it was a Charmant and it belonged to the aforementioned gym teacher with lush upper-lip facial hair.
It all made sense, he was a gym teacher and was nearly always hyperactive, he needed a Charmant to calm him down a bit. There were some days when he seemed quiet, I guess those were the days when the Charmant won. Some you win, some you lose.
I knew then why the Charmant wanted to be boring, she had a job to do. She had to keep hordes of secondary school students safe from hyperactive gym teachers.
So, will someone please take on this heavy task, sacrifice yourself for others, save a Charmant as she had saved us.
If you are really brave and have so much energy, save the second generation Charmant, which is 10 times duller than the first generation. She is truly dangerous and was designed to calm Europe down.
We know this is so because just four years after it was discontinued, they tore down the Berlin Wall, East and West Germany just lost the energy to fight thanks to the second-generation Charmant.
She is perfectly formed for her task. Save her.