FEMALE friendships have been the bedrock of women's lives for as long as there have been women. But we've been fed messages from a young age that unwritten rules do exist at the foundation of these friendships. Enter the "Girl Code".
If you've not heard of the Girl Code, perhaps you've heard of her more popular counterpart — the "Bro Code"! At its core, Bro Code is a code of "ethics" that demands ultimate loyalty to one's bros, or male friends, above all else, including parents, significant others, law enforcement, or maybe even God! Put simply, there's nobody above a bro.
In that same line of thought, the Girl Code also speaks of loyalty and steps that need to be taken to preserve the bonds of female friendship. It's the unspoken "honour" system that girls (or even women) find themselves living by as they navigate through the maze of friendships that begins in the playground, and continues to evolve as they get older.
The Girl Code tells you that your fellow females are allies, and you should always treat them that way. The rules vary, and range from the all-important: Never date your friend's ex or crush, to the most banal: If you have an extra tampon, help a sister out!
The Girl Code, whether or not you want to refer to it by that somewhat cloying moniker, definitely exists as a standardised code of conduct among women — to treat each other the way they'd want to be treated.
Should we dispense with the rules? Find out what the hosts have to say!
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SWEARING BY THE CODE
ELENA KOSHY, Senior writer and host.
DO I believe in the Girl Code? Yes, I do. Don't dismiss my views as archaic just yet! I honestly believe that the code is just another name for common courtesy and etiquette. The essence of the code is loyalty — a trait I treasure more than anything else.
While I don't really think friendships need to be governed by rigid rules and regulations, there are certain rules to female friendships that I believe are essential. For one, NEVER date your friend's ex. Just don't.
You've probably been her shoulder to cry on and have heard every single gory detail of their ill-fated union (as well as his underwear size). There's not going to be any new surprises in store or even a happily ever after for you if you insist on tapping on your friend's sloppy seconds! This rule doesn't apply, of course, if said ex is Brad Pitt or Tom Hiddleston.
Never ditch your friend for a guy. Would he ditch his boys for you? The Bro Code is sacred! Again, rule doesn't apply if said guy is Brad Pitt or Tom Hiddleston.
Never put your friend down to her face or behind her back. It's not cool and it only speaks of your insecurity and disloyalty. Real queens fix each other's crowns. They don't tear each other down. Don't be a peasant!
Lastly, never tag bad pictures on purpose. There's a special circle in hell for people who do this. There, I've issued this last "rule" for some of my friends. You know who you are!
FUZZY SET OF RULES
INTAN MAIZURA AHMAD KAMAL, Editor and host.
I READ an article recently which debated whether it was time to do away with the Girl Code as it reinforces the notion that people can have ownership over others. It got me thinking and subsequently recalling an incident that happened many moons ago.
I remember getting a call from one of my best friends one fateful afternoon, who proceeded to tell me that she'd fallen for the very same guy I'd gushed to her about for months.
Although nothing concrete had been established as far as a connection was concerned — not even a sly snog behind the girls' toilets — I had, for some reason, decided that I'd chupped him by virtue of the fact that I'd spoken about my attractions for him first.
Her confession, which eventually ended with a sheepish apology, led to me hanging up on the call before sprinting to my bedroom and bawling my eyes out at the injustice of it all. Hadn't I told her that I was crazy about Mr X? Hadn't I been bending her ears about my wedding plans? Hadn't I said that this was going to be my greatest love journey — ever?
How could she?
As far as I was concerned, she'd committed a cardinal sin under Section 1 of the Girl Code: Thou shalt not date your friend's ex! So, what should I have done? Dump a sistah for choosing "bro" before "hoe", or do I rethink my decision?
Sounds familiar?
It seems that the Girl Code narrative doesn't really leave much space for friends to have an open and honest conversation about love. Thinking back, instead of seeing my bestie's action as the ultimate betrayal of our friendship, perhaps I should have reflected on the fact that she did seek me out and attempted to have an honest conversation, AND had no intentions of going behind my back.
Somehow, cutting the cords on what had hitherto been a great friendship, just because I felt threatened, feels terribly shallow now that I think about it. Could my anger have been more about my frustrations at not being able to snare the guy, and not so much about my friend's attempts to be honest with me? As journalist Moya Lothian-McLean pointed out: "A Girl Code can be a fuzzy set of indeterminate rules that are used by women to police other women's behaviour."
Now, that's an "ouch!"
AMEND THE CODE
KAREN HO, Freelance writer and voice-over talent, guest host.
I'D rather tackle the Da Vinci code than the Girl Code, since I was more into Nancy Drew/ Indiana Jones than girl cliques during my youth. It boggles my mind that some stranger drew up a list of do's and don'ts and we're supposed to blindly follow them? Is it because sisterhood tends to fly out of the window, especially when a potential love is involved, and it gets more complex if said potential is a friend's former flame?
"If you call yourself my best friend, you wouldn't date my ex". What a dilemma. But the other friend can counter with "if you're my best friend, don't you want me to be in love and happy?" And the retorts can go on and on.
When someone waves the code in a friend's face and forbids dating an ex, it's like saying "He was mine and always will be" and "If he can't be happy with me, I don't want him to be happy with any of my friends." Tsk tsk.
The topic is made complicated by the deep emotions involved and because there are just too many variables. A resolution depends on the manner of the break-up, on how many months or years have passed, on what stage of romance you're at with the ex, on whether the friend has moved on with their life, on whether there's a full moon, and so on.
The Girl Code is just too simplistic. Maybe it's time to amend the term… like to Friendship Code? Oprah, we need your take on this!