THERE’S no better time to catch up with friends and family than during joyous occasions such as Hari Raya. Many of us will attend open houses, and chances are, there’s bound to be more than one awkward situation, from embarrassing questions to embarrassing yourself.
Worry not. Here are creative ways to make your holiday a little merrier if things get a little sticky.
Situation: Walking into the wrong house
Because hosts are usually in the main area of the house, you’re likely to first greet a bunch of strangers in the garden. You may only realise you’ve entered the wrong house once you look around and don’t see mutual friends or you see photos of unknown people in the large photo frames on the wall. If you’re lucky, no one will notice your confused look or the shade of red from pure embarrassment.
The red will no doubt turn flaming if you already have a plate in your hand with food on it.
Tip: Inch your way out slowly, pretending to know where you are, smile and simply nod at people you pass by. Just pray that no one stops you to ask if you’ve wished the host’s mother yet as it is also her birthday.
Situation: When you’ve had better tasting cardboard than the food served
Picking out what you want to eat from the buffet is fine. But having the hosts next to you constantly saying, “Ambil banyak sikit, diet ke?” (Take more, are you on a diet?) is plain annoying. But it’s bad when the food you’ve dished out on your plate makes you think you might as well be eating the ceramic plate.
Tip: No one likes to waste food but if you’ve piled up a mountain, there’s no guessing where it will go. There are three options. One, push your food to the side of the plate. It’s a very useful and deceptive eye trick that can make it look like you’ve actually eaten some.
Then pretend to stroll into the kitchen, and conveniently place the plate of uneaten food next to the rest of the dirty dishes. You can also share the food with the house cat. If your host looks at you in shock as to why you’re feeding the cat just explain that you think even a cat deserves a bit of rendang once in a while. Alternatively, you can think of all the people in the world who really have no food on this blessed occasion and eat what you’ve put on the plate. Unless you’re void of any conscience at all, you’ll probably do the first and second.
Situation: When the host introduces you to his or her unmarried son
You’re in the middle of enjoying your lemang and in deep conversation with an old friend when you’re rudely interrupted by the host with a human male tagging along. They introduce you not by name, but by relationship status, or rather the lack of it. Somehow you’re expected to just stop talking to your friend and kick start a brand new conversation filled with uncountable moments of awkward silence between you both.
You have to pity the boy; he’s clearly been pushed into the situation too. Unless both parties are interested, there’s a chance the small-talk will fizzle out after three or four basic questions before either of you start fiddling with your smartphones.
Tip: Start fiddling with your phone if you have absolutely no interest in talking to this guy. But if he’s interested and you’re not, making funny, cartoony voices and laughing like a hyena might diffuse the situation. Make him reconsider his level of interest. If he likes that sort of thing, then maybe reading this suggestion wasn’t a good idea in the first place.
Situation: When someone asks you if you’re expecting even though you aren’t pregnant
There are probably a million thoughts running through your head right now — among them, using the person’s face as a dartboard. It’s even worse if someone within earshot of the comment leaps in with joy congratulating you or asking for the baby’s gender.
Tip: If you don’t want to embarrass them by telling them you’re not pregnant (because it will), tell them the truth —that between Sir Richard Branson, Mick Jagger, Christiano Ronaldo and Spock, you’re not sure who the father is, so you won’t give birth till you find out. Of course, they’ll know you’re joking. If they take you seriously, please, change your friends.
Situation: Being overdressed or overly made up
No one wants to dress down for a joyous event where you’ll be meeting old friends and making new ones. But if you’ve glammed up for a simple, casual Raya lunch you’ll likely feel out of place.
Tip: Let people say what they want. You look good (and out of place but who cares?). You’re heading to a glitzy event after that anyway (not really, but thinking you are, helps).
Situation: When you accidentally break the dining ware
There’s no bigger guilt than breaking someone else’s things. Especially if you successfully embarrassed yourself by dropping a plate or glass in front of everyone. Chatter will stop, guests eyes will peer at you momentarily and people will shake their heads in disbelief, feel sorry for the host and, more so for the plate which has become a casualty of your clumsiness. A host is usually gracious when it comes to these things, and would probably reassure you that it’s all good.
Tip: When the plate hits the floor with a thunderous sound, immediately look around to see who you can blame. Even the cat. Especially the cat, actually, because no one can really hold a grudge against a fluffy pet. It’s easier to pin the blame on an animal who can only purr to defend itself from accusations.
Situation: When you pass wind
Hey, sometimes bodily functions are completely out of control. We are human, and it happens (unless you’re like that person who told me she has never passed wind, then you have reason to believe you might be standing next to a supernatural entity).
Tip: Keep calm and ignore it. Even if there’s no one around and your host looks at you funny expecting some kind of confession to compensate for the awkwardness, don’t give in to guilt. Uphold the first line used by police in all those detective shows you watch: “You have a right to remain silent”.
Situation: The dreaded question. “When are you getting married?”
This question isn’t exclusive to just Raya. It happens to all of us, even at funerals. It is probably rated as one of the most frequently asked and most annoying questions asked during family reunions.
Tip: One question always leads to another so the best thing to do is to cut them off with one-liners. “ Hopefully before I start showing a bump.”