Putri Juneita Johari
CAREGIVERS are only humans, complete with shortcomings. We try to be patient and caring, but there are days when the halo slips and gets a bit too tight around the head, cutting off the imaginary circulation and making a devil out of the angel.
What we can't say in words comes out through our actions, or body language. And it isn't always a pretty sight. But this is what you get when there are no other outlets to vent out anger and frustration.
Books have been written on this topic and there are many articles available on the Internet if you're interested. It's easy to learn about it and gain knowledge while being detached. It's when you have to deal with it hands on, on a daily basis over the years, that it gets challenging.
There are many scenarios where you can pick up body language quite easily and hazard guesses as to what's going on behind the scene. Typical of this would be a quarrel between husband and wife.
Watch for the cold shoulder, stiff, jerky movements, and the avoidance of eye contact. But when the eyes meet, there might either be icy moments or hellfire burning a path to the significant other. Meanwhile, when it comes to a child and his/her parents, sulks and tantrums say it all — loud and clear.
In the case of my non-verbal son Omar, there's our special sign language, which is accompanied by tones and sounds, as well as hugs, cuddles, pushes and shoves.
Sometimes, he even raises a leg to make a point. The one that seems to be the most common is the show of displeasure: he turns his back on me. Actually, this could be anyone. Even my cat knows how to do this!
BEING ATTUNED
When body language comes into play, you'd see many things in action — facial expressions, body movements and gestures, expressions in the eyes, proximity, tone, and posture, to name a few. They can be so much "louder" too. So much is said, but none of them are words.
There'd be days when you're more attuned to this; and there are days when you just don't get the signals at all. That's when trouble starts. At some point, you'll notice that things aren't quite the same.
There may be less cooperation from the loved one in your care, or there'd be signs that someone's feelings have been hurt, but you haven't a clue what had happened. What should you do?
Do you try to guess all the signs and make amends, or do you confront it? Confrontations are never easy. It's takes great courage for a person to initiate it, but greater courage for the one who feels he/she has been cornered.
When you're dealing with an elderly loved one who isn't well — whether it's your parents, spouse, sibling, relative or friend — you need to first take their circumstances into consideration. If they're less able now than they used to be, they may be more sensitive to innuendos and react to what they perceive other people feel about them.
Let's just take one instance. Resentment. It works both ways. You could feel loads of resentment for being put in a position that you didn't choose to be in, especially when you've been a caregiver for many years.
Conversely, you and your spouse may have made grand plans like travelling once you've both retired, only to find that he/she is no longer able to travel, whether through having a physical disability or the onset of dementia like Alzheimer's disease.
Resentment can fester in the soul and destroy relationships. You'll find it hard to be kind and sincere. That disappointment you've harboured can eat at you. All this would be reflected in your voice, your expression, and how you treat the person who's the source of it all.
ADDRESS YOUR FEELINGS
What's worse is that you may not even realise that it has spilled out in this manner. You think that you're able to hide it all and act "normal" while carrying out your loyal duties, but such strong emotions are hard to contain.
For some reason, no matter how hard you try, those feelings can be felt by the other person. At the very worst, he might just ask, "Is there something wrong?" This stressful situation can flare up into anger, arguments and quarrels.
But before it gets that, you need to address your feelings. If you can't talk it over with your significant other, find someone like a trustworthy friend or a counsellor to help you unravel your knotted emotions.
Talking with people who've gone through what you're going through helps. It could relieve some unearned guilt that you've felt over the years as a caregiver. To work through it, you'd need some time for yourself too. Practice some self-care to get some semblance of your "self" back into place.
Remember, most changes begin with you.
(The views expressed in this article are the writer's own)
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Community Society of Ampang. She can be reached at juneitajohari@yahoo.com.