WHEN you next decide to take a steaming dump in public, make sure the poop-arazzi aren’t lurking nearby. An image of you “dropping the kids off at the pool” might end up smeared all over the internet, raising a stink. No filter in existence could make you NOT look like crap.
And so it was that a woman openly defecated at the Batu 5, Port Dickson, Negri Sembilan beach over the weekend, while it was crowded with holidaymakers (time, tide and faeces wait for no man).
The poop-etrator in question, believed to be a tourist from China, scared the sh*t out of several fellow beachgoers, while others were left astounded by what the crazy “beach” was doing. The woman moved her bowels, and the earth.
But two unperturbed dudes at the scene of the ‘grime’ decided to turn doo-doo into gold. Under the guise of taking a beach wefie – the two bros had the (butt)cheek to snap pictures which included the unsuspecting woman in the background, as she casually caca-ed all over the Strait of Melaka.
The images, which were first uploaded to the Facebook page of one ‘Sokeryob’, shows the defecator squatting at the edge of the beach, her exposed buttocks kissed by the tropical breeze. She is facing the ocean, possibly looking wistfully at the horizon, as shallow waves lap at her feet – a Kodak moment, despite the woman’s gangsta stunt. Wet sand behind her poetically reflect her photogenic derriere – adding magic to the moment.
But just to the rear of the public pooper’s rear are two other ladies – presumably her friends or kin (or excited fans of public poopers, who knows?). Doing an atrocious job of “shielding” their acquaintance from view, the two women stand directly behind the turd castle-building woman (obviously unclear on how waves, which wash all things in front of you towards you, work). The trio create the fleeting impression that they are performing for a beach-themed music video shoot – a female rapper twerking low on the ground, as two backup dancers gyrate behind her.
The instant the two sh*tterbugs left droppings of the incriminating images on social media, the sh*t hit the fan. Furious netizens developed projectile verbal diarrhoea, hurling condemnation and flaying the woman for her “uncivilised, savage behaviour”. They were butthurt, bigtime.
The reek from the ‘apoopcalypse’ even reached the Port Dickson City Council (MPPD), whose president, Mohd Zamri Mohd Esa, was flush with displeasure. He told Harian Metro that the MPPD is investigating the unfortunate incident (would stool-sample collection and analysis be involved?).
As for me, I’m not one to throw dung in a glass house. I’ve never had the temerity to work my chocolate starfish in the middle of a bustling beach, but I HAVE very, very surreptitiously tinkled in my trunks while waist-deep in sea water. I’ve only done it a couple of times – waddling away from innocent nearby bystanders, pretending I’d seen something fascinating in the distance as I peed copiously – and I wasn’t proud of myself. And both incidents occurred after minutes of wrestling with whether or not to leave the warm water to scurry towards a faraway restroom, as I freeze to death.
I guess I was being faecal minded.